Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care’s Shoes, What would you do?
Whatever goes through the minds of the Customer care Agents in Kenya who work in Banks, mobile service companies, outsourcing call centers and other corporate entities is a thing I would like us to think of
Let us take the case of Safaricom, the company with the highest number of subscribers.
Let us take an example. In one day their call center can receive over 1 million calls. These usually include serious issues like internet, Mpesa, skiza, okoa Jahazi etc. But then there are usually other customers who call just to ask for time or to say hallo to a female agent hence deny us the chance of receiving quicker resolutions.
Let us just assume these are some of the things that go through their mind although they are usually soft spoken and courteous as we know them. You cannot compare them with the rude, inhuman and carefree agents in Kenya Power.
May be this is what the agents Say about us the Loyal and die-hard Safaricom Customers.
DON’T even think of calling if:
You have friends, who are more informed than the agents, customer says ‘lakini kijana mwingine aliniambiaaaaa,’ they think of replying, ‘si ungemuuliza basi’
- You are daft and think you are the brightest asshole around
- You are lonely and need a quick lay, this is not a whore house it is a call centre with serious gals and guys
- You are not sure what you want from us, quit wasting time for serious subscribers
- You want to salimia watu wa safaricom and say goodnight, sleep hyper Kenyan
- You have a Chinese phone and need internet settings, piga china wakusaidie
- You have no idea what internet is but you need settings because your pal has.
- You don’t have the will to key in your PUK number coz you heard we are trained baby sitters and will do everything for you.
- You are a rich mshamba with an expensive phone and you have no idea how to use it.
- Nokia 3310 cannot use GPRS, its not a safcom problem and honestly we don’t give a damn ask Nokia why they did not put internet capability
- If you sambaza to the wrong number, we don’t reverse your stupid mistakes and as above we don’t care, seriously
- You cant sleep, we are not piriton and we don’t have lullabies to sing for you, deal with your insomnia your own way. Don’t call Safcom kuimbiwa Kawimbo
- You have marital issues, No we won’t block your wife’s phone bcz she left, that’s your own problem, we are not marital counselors, deal with your issues and leave us out of it
- You are in a noisy bar or windy place, at river road or tom mboya at 5pm, we can’t hear you. END
- You are in a bad mood and need to vent, tuna shida zetu tuskize zako kwa nini?
- You need a top up, hata mimi nina 00.00 and am not complaining
- You are in love with your phone loudspeaker, its annoying to hear yourself
- You cannot express yourself, we are not angels, we cannot understand. Period
- You think we are thieves’ coz you can’t account for 1 bob of your credit
- You fell prey to fraudsters, we do not refund, its just unfortunate that you are that gullible
- You Are A Stupid And Spoilt Brat (Who Is Your Mother??)
- You are complaining you can’t flash with 0.5 bob, come on get a life and top up
- Your name is Mohammed or Abdi or Kariuki from Wajir or Mandera or Kirinyaga, when you learn English you can call us, the call centre does not use Somali or Kikuyu as language of communication
- You think Safaricom should lower their rate to Ksh 3 or else you’ll Vuka, what do you think pays our salaries, go ahead and vuka-cheap is expensive
- You want to know how to record songs using voicemail???? Can somebody give me a cane!!!
- you want to be returned to Jibambie, are you high on crack or what part of Kenya are you from “jibambie ended long time ago” buy a radio if not a newspaper
- You want me to Sambaza you coz you are stuck in the middle of a forest or you are broke. Who do you think I am giving free credit to strangers, I am not Jesus
- You are calling from 12.00 midnight to around 4.30 am and you don’t know what you want, for heaven’s sake go to sleep and call us during the day when you are not confused
- You dare call me customer, I have a name and if you were listening to my opening greeting you would have gotten it
- You dare say “ng’ee” or “ati” as I explain something to you, if you can’t hear why are you calling, that sound is annoying in my ear
- And Others with Non Issues, Stop Clogging Line 100, We Need to handle serious issues
- Don’t call us if you swing on the other side, it is traumatizing to be hit on by a member of your gender at 3am, we are straight
- Ksh 00.00 cannot access the internet, PERIOD
- No I will not give you your mother’s PUK.END…
- Don’t show us att and expect to be assisted, we aren’t doormats you know.
- No, I won’t give you my number , neither will I call you just because you like my voice and no we won’t go for lunch, you could be a serial killer for all I care
- Mama Kimani is not an official name, its sweet but we won’t register your line under that name
- You are half asleep and expect me to vet you for PUK ?
- You block your PUK and beg me to unblock , fanya replacement
- Twin sim, Camera phone, Slide, Flip are not phone models so I can’t help you
- We really appreciate it when you call 191, unless you want a number, I won’t help you, piga 100 but thanks for the 20 bob, we need more subscribes like you
- No we won’t give you the web addresses for porn sites. END
- Beste yako yuko mteja, its not my problem amezima simu, labda hataki kuongea na wewe
- If you hang up when I put you on hold I won’t call you back maybe your issue was not so important
- Sitakutumia kawimbo, we are not cellulant or Onfon
- Its not our problem that you respond to every short code (5525, 6616,3045 etc) put in the paper and advertised on TV and Radio and we don’t refund, yes we are that mean
- if you insist I send you settings for Nokia 1110, I will lie to you that I send, shock on you Kenyan
- If you redeem your bonga points for MMS, I cannot convert them to SMS and neither can I convert Bonga points to cash
- I cannot repair your handset from the call centre; you need to go to a technician
- It’s not my business to explain to you what a megabyte is or how to browse on your phone
- I cannot tell which people are calling u using private numbers, I am an agent not a fortune teller remember
- Don’t get started with those stories “nilinunua card nikaenda nyumbani mtoto akaweka………” get straight to the point, I have limited time to help you plus I’m paid to resolve your issue I’m not your gossip mate
- If someone next to you copies your scratch card number and tops up before you, too bad be chap chap next time plus don’t even ask for the number that topped up
- Address me by my name this other titles “brotha, mzee, madam” if I were your brother we would be sharing a mother of which we don’t
- if you are a junguu, do use that attitude on me that I don’t understand what you are saying such that you have to use T for Toronto, G for Guernsey , K for Kentucky…………speak English I know it
- It doesn’t help to call asking for PUK if the only vetting detail you have is “Laini ni yangu” don’t even get me started on the f words that go through my mind
- If you are calling to ask why people from your tribe don’t win any promotions, you have the wrong number
- Boosters are not installed in seconds, inform us, give us time and get your ujuaji out of it
- You got dumped, sorry but honestly we would rather not listen to the details, we are not a broken hearts helpline
- We are not naturally polite, we are protecting our jobs.
- If I could honestly say what I think of you , you would hate yourself for life
- So your dad hangs out with Bob Collymore, we don’t care, when you call Line 100 am in control, or better still call him to help you
- If you call me and whisper and expect that I will hear you, no I will deliberately not hear you.
- No you won’t talk to my manager, you called me so talk to me, if you still want to talk to him /her on non Safaricom issues, look for their numbers.
- Courtesy is two way thing not a customer care thing
- Don’t wait till I have said “thank you for calling……………………,” then you remember that you had other issues, halafuuuuuuuuuuu, ama naaaaaaaaa,
- if you subscribe to premium rate services, it’s not our fault live with it
- That story of “mtoto alichezea simu ikablock ama account ikafungwa” is long overdue; we know you are trying to guess credit on your line.
- How do you call Line 100/234 and say it’s a wrong number???????????????After hearing all the stories on interactive voice and still did not know its customer care???????? you are drunk
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