Why Modern Kenyan Women Fail in Marriage

Maybe you know this one. She is active in the church, faithful, and committed. She sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, attends every committee meeting. Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You’d think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she’d have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband…

Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She’s a black lady-or as she prefers, an African woman-on the move. She sports a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dread locks. She’s an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her people speaks for itself-organizing women for a self-help collective, raising funds for a community cause, educating others around a new issue in Kenya . Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she’s a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone.

What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can’t hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what’s wrong with black men. They even flock to Nyayo Stadium to hold special prayer vigils and fast and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political strategizing sessions or watching football, but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else.

And after asking Over and over again “What’s wrong with these men?”, it finally dawned on me to ask the question, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US WOMEN?” What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.

Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct action assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club activities or in positioning oneself for a raise. But the relationship-building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that not only to gratify you, but satisfy others. It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal, and sometimes it means creating the peace in the first place.

Maintaining a harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stop to conquer or yield to win. In too many cases, when dealing with men, you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved. Being acknowledged as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many men.

Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career-or their narrow concepts of same, that their entire personalities project an “I don’t need a man” message. So they end up without one. An interested man maybe attracted but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life.

Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of blacks have not had. But sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and homework, she’s seldom “there” for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman. She’s too busy to prepare him a home-cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she is so occupied with her own.

Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since to him, she appears unavailable for anything else. Blind to the part she’s playing in the problem, she ends up thinking, “Men only want one thing.” And she decides she’s better off with the degree than the friendship. When she’s 45, she may wish she’d set different priorities while she was younger. It’s not just the busy career girl who can’t see the forest for the trees.

A Couple I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for her Bible and turned to Ephesians. “I know what Paul says and I know what Jesus
says about marriage,” he told her. “What do you say about our marriage?” Dumbfounded, she could not say anything.

Like so many others, she could recite the Scriptures but could not apply them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed for divorce.

Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have vigorous, fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever, to benefit the community. That’s good. That’s necessary. But it needs to be kept in perspective.

It’s too easy to save the world and lose your man. A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler spirit is wanted on the home front. Too many women are winning the battle and losing the home. Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong believers and hard workers, we contemporary women downplay, denigrate or simply forget our more traditional feminine attributes.

Men value women best for the ways we are different from them, not the ways we are the same. Men appreciate us for our grace and beauty. Men enjoy our softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender side, a side they dare not show to other men. A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But, when a man goes home, he’d prefer a loving partner to a hard worker.

It’s not an easy transition for the modern woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outdated and even oppressive. Women have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. They have known so many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet its important to admit that they are shaky, jive and willful in their own ways.

Not having a husband allows you to do whatever you want, when and how you want to do it. Having one means you have to share the power and certain points will have to be surrendered. As women, we are terrified of marriage and commitment – yet dread the prospect of being single and alone.

Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the cage. To make the break, we need to do less and “be” more. I am learning to “be still and know,” to be trusting. I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive to and aggressive energy with softness and serenity.

I’m not preaching a philosophy of “women should be seen and not heard.” But I have come to realize that I-and many of my smart and independent sisters-are out of touch with our feminine center and therefore out of touch with our men.

Why Modern Kenyan Women Fail in Marriage

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